This is a common dilemma: What to do when kids finish eating their meal, but others in the family are still eating?
Firstly, it’s important to note that it can be pretty boring for a young child to stay seated at the table once they have finished eating.
Here is what you can do to help your child:
- Make sure the meal is pleasant.
- Keep control of between-meal eating so the child comes to the meal hungry but not famished.
- Follow the division of responsibility in feeding. You do the what, when, and where, and our child does the how much and whether.
- Discuss topics that are of interest to everyone, and teach your child to participate in the conversation.
- Avoid pressure on your child to eat any particular food or any particular amount of food. No bribes or distractions!
- Be considerate without catering with meal planning so each child can find something at the meal that they (usually) enjoy eating.
Trust your child’s appetite
Then trust that your child has had enough to eat, and let her leave the meal when she indicates she is done. Even when you make meals pleasant, hungry children can get enough to eat in 10 or 15 minutes—or even less. After that, they have a tendency to create such a commotion that it spoils the meal for other family members. Be clear (in word and deed) that there will be no more food until snack time. Teach the child to play quietly—nearby for a young child—another room is okay for older kids.
No screens. TV, iPhones, and notebooks
Electronic media are attractive enough to lure a still-hungry child away from the table before s/he has had enough to eat. These rules are particularly important when there are siblings. Get out a book, some art supplies, or quiet toys for after-meal activity, so your child can settle right down, rather than hanging around and disrupting the meal for others.
What if one child gets done quickly (10-15 minutes) and the other, selective eater, takes much longer (having eaten only a few small bites)? Letting one child leave the table or read quietly usually leads to the other one wanting to leave the table too, even though they really are not done. We are trying to establish a routine and stick with it. It’s hard when their needs are so very different.
Hi Hana. Yes, it is interesting having two children with different styles of eating. However, I wonder whether you are following the Division of Responsibility in feeding your children. If so I would be asking why the selective eater is taking a long time to eat and why you think ‘they are really not done’ When following the Division of Responsibility, the child determines when they have had enough to eat, not the parent. You might want to read more about the Division of Responsibility here https://esiinstitute.wpengine.com/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/
My child is obsessed with food, and we have just started following the Division of Responsibility. We are in shock at how much food is being consumed by our 24-month-old daughter. She can sit and eat for 1 hour to 1.5-hours straight, and continues asking for her 5-8th helping during this time. We are providing her with whatever she wants to eat from the family meal on the table, but want to know if we should set a time-limit to each meal. Please advise, and thank you so much for all the information on this site!
Hi Camille. Good to hear that you have started to implement the Division of Responsibility (DOR) in feeding your daughter. I wonder if you were doing your daughter’s job of deciding how much she should eat before starting DOR. It is usual that children who have not been eating as much as they want, eat large quantities when parents start following DOR. Let her eat as much as she wants from the family meal. If you keep your cool, the amount she eats will decrease once she knows she can trust you to provide enough food – usually a few weeks for a 2 year old. You may find this article helpful https://esiinstitute.wpengine.com/family-meals-focus/94-children-who-are-obsessed-with-food/ and to read ‘Your Child’s Weight, helping without harmaing. If you remain concerned, you can reach out to the Ellyn Satter Institute for coaching https://esiinstitute.wpengine.com/resources-and-links-for-the-public/coaching/
What do you suggest if you are following the DOR but your child takes much more than she will eat and then doesn’t eat it? We tried for breakfast- banana bread and yoghurt and she kept cutting herself more and more banana bread and scooping more and more yoghurt and then left a whole piece and lots of yoghurt? Hard not to feel frustrated and confused as to what to do which leads to me feeling anxious which is what I am trying to avoid- anxious meal times. Thanks so much
Hi Liz
Thanks for your question. I would suggest you send your question to our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. Use the send message tab. That way you will get comments and suggestions from a whole range of professionals and parents
Hello,
My four year old niece simply refuses to eat. She has autonomy over how much etc and I will get her whatever she asks for but she won’t eat the main meal or anything she requested. If it does go anywhere near her mouth, she spits it out and laughs.
Her mother and I are very worried as this is impacting her growth and overall health. She is anemic and so thin that she runs out of energy quickly. She has been referred to a paediatrician but the wait list in this province is long.
What can we do to get some food into her? We’re willing to let her have control over what, when, how much and condiments but at this point she consistently chooses “no” for the whether.
Hi Jay
Could you please ask your question via ‘Send Message’ on the Ellyn Satter Institute’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ellynsatterassociates/. Ellyn will see it there.
Thanks for contacting us.
Yes this is all excellent advice. I would also reccomend not mentioning the exciting activity that will happen after the meal during the meal. Don’t say “after breakfast we can walk to the playground!” Before one’s two year old has had breakfast lest he hear that and immediately declare himself done and ready for the playground!
Sometimes I bake Parker house rolls from scratch and they are delicious. When I do though, and have them as a side dish, my son will have four buttered Parker house rolls for dinner and only tiny bites of his vegetables or meat. Thanks to Ellyn’s messaging I’ve decided to just take this as a compliment on my excellent baking. I still make them once a month or so and don’t consider it a problem.
My eldest is the one i have had trouble with in the past. She is much better now (thanks to DOR) although i still have to bite my tongue at what she eats (quantity wise). I have however stopped insisting that she stays at the table because i find she grazes out of boredom more than anything.